Musings & Thoughts

Fear

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 01:05:08 GMT

One Horrendous Night

Fri, 16 Feb 2007 15:14:06 GMT

I had the most horrendous night last night. My period finally set through and I have laid awake almost the entire night with semi-murderous cramps. I've been in and out of bed several times, roled around from back to stomach, to side, to stomach, to back, have held a hotwater bottle on my stomach and against my lower back as the pains happily ran through the back as well. Luckily these cramps only occir for several hours a month just before the show starts and then I have a day of feeling tired, with a feeling of a bloated stomach and nagging almost ongoing lighter cramps which make me feel I have to go to the toilet about every single hour. Though since the most intense cramps happened during the night, I now have the splendid added feeling during the day of having been hit by a truck. Yes, happy womanhood. Not.

And since I 'celebrated' my for the coming time 'not going to drink alcohol when alone at home' with a few small glasses of pink champagne to wave it all goodbye for now, I also couldn't take an Ibuprofen as I don't like mixing alcohol with pain killers. So yes, my night was simply horrendous and now my day is the same, simply because I haven't slept a wink and lay curled up with pain all night.

So I have no idea whether my new orthopedic pillow (made of memory foam) is working or not. I easily suffer from back pains and the last few days I have been having pain in neck as well, so since my old pillows just didn't give any support anymore I bought myself an orthopedic one. 59 freaking Euros. I can't afford it really. But since the depression is also depriving me of sleep at times I figured I'd best get something good to lay my head on for the hours that I can sleep.

And yes, I have been spending more money that I don't really have as I have finally found a movie I had been looking for ever since I was a kid and had seen it once on tv. I had no idea what it was called as the video back then had a translated to Dutch title and I have searched and searched and searched, simply because I felt I had to see it again. The atmosphere in it was amazing, or at least, as far as I can remember, because I was a kid after all. Imagine my surprise when I saw it in the music store between the Manga movies! It's called The Castle Of Cagliostro and you can see what it's about here;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Castle_of_Cagliostro

It's a Manga movie by Hayao Miyazaki, who also made the more recent Howl's Moving Castle, another movie I absolutely love. Try to find and see both of them if you can.

That's it for now, my Ibyprofen has finally started to work and now I am only feeling exhausted, but my belly seems more at ease. Finally. It's time for tea and hanging on the couch for a bit now. I am a woman, I am having my period, so I am fully entitled to do absolutely nothing today and wallow in feeling tired and crappy. See you later. Or something.

It's Pink and fluffy.

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 21:34:02 GMT

I am watching 'Simply Irresistible'. A great movie, full of magic. And I could elaborate on all it's wonderful images it puts into my mind, about the perfect man that I want to find, no correct, I will find and the great life I will still lead, when I have truly found myself and am one with myself and with that person. I know alot of you think that's just bullshit and just dream stuff, but yeah you know what; I believe and I will have it, so screw anyone who doesn't believe. Because just like in other folk, Faeries, Vampires, Spirits, all of those beautiful creatures and energies, what would we be without them, life would simply be too boring, I may be found exclusively extra-ordinarily mad, but I don't give a damn, because I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart and my imagination, my own true soul of believing in it all, all that's magic; I believe.

I am in love with the possibilities of Life itself and I believe that there's a person out there who believes the same and who's the other part of my soul, without whom I am only living half, who can make me feel complete and I will find him. And I will find him some day soon.

Mark my words. I will proof it to you all. Magic does happen and it will happen to me and it will be love that is the magic and what will make it all seem magical. And it will happen soon.

Here's the deal;

I am a nutcase. I am an overly utterly and old-fashionedly romantic girl with a heart as wide and open as the oceans, all of the oceans in the world and I don't care that I am different, that I am 'out' of this world, that I am a dreamer who believes in all of her dreams, who's afraid of things that can't be seen and yet is surviving just the same on things that can't be seen. Psychology will render me ripe for the nuthouse, but all of you out there who believe in Love and Magic will believe me and will know I already do know that it will and can happen. Love and Life are like food. Like in the movie. They can stimulate and provocate and love and render you insane and wanting and waiting for more. I'm in love with life and it's possibilties. I may not think I can survive and yet I feel I will survive. That all of my dreams can come true. That I will be happy exactly the way I want to be happy. That all and everything can and will happen. It's just a few more weeks, perhaps a few more months. But then you'll see it's true. Because in this lifetime it will happen. My soulmate and I will re-unite, my spiritual twin and I will come together and unite an be one again and then we'll move on to become as happy as we can be in this lifetime.

Pink Champagne talking? Bubbles without ice? Or imagination stimulated by the movie. Or just dreams? I don't care, because I believe. How insane it may sound. I believe. And I know that it will happen. Because what we think is truth, maybe not in this realm, but then certainly in another. And we can make it ours. If not today, then tomorrow. Or perhaps the day after. But nothing, is impossible...

I greet thee... Good night!

See how crazy I am? I actually walk around with a dog in a buggy. But he's one of the best and most wonderful doggies ever and frankly my dear, about appearing to look like a madcase; I don't give a damn...

I love him and he was the BEST Valentine's date ever. Because we hugged and just lay there half asleep together for an hour or so and it was warm and cosy and nice and sweet. Better than any man could pull of so far, because all they think about mostly is sex and not warmth and care. But a dog gives you unconditional love and warmth and care and so he was my best, and first, Valentine's date ever.

Pictures are copyright me and were made today.

Scuse the typos. It's bed time...

Tonight I Apologised To The Dog

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 22:35:37 GMT

Tonight I am taking a glass of whiskey to forget. It is that, or worse. And I refuse to do worse.

I apologised to the dog tonight, for not offering him a better life. I can only think he may have been better of somewhere else, some other family. I mean, I really love him to bits, but my mum is always away and she can't give him the attention he needs. But look at me... Wasted and sad. Depressed. The dog's got an itchy skin, 'cos of stress. It's probably because of me. Dogs do that, tune in to their owners. Poor thing. What a thing to tune in to. Maybe if I weren't feeling so lousy I could do more stuff with him. Play with him more often, take him on longer walks. Make him run and be happy. Just generally give him a better life... But maybe I should do that with myself as well. If only I knew how.

I saw one of those silly shows again tonight, you know where people sing and are made 'into stars'. Singing. I wish I could do more with that. Sing, perform, make videos. But I know I am not good enough yet by far. Sure I have a different sound, but I am not commercial. So basically that makes me screwed.

Second in line to singing is probably photography. And somewhere sharing first place with singing would be writing. But look at my options. A million people at least far better at it than me and these are not exactly things to make a decent living of, unless you're really really good. And I'm not. I am reasonable. I am ok. But I am no enigma.

So tonight I am drinking whiskey. Because I want to forget. My throat hurts because I got my breathing 'tick' again because of anxiety, stress, whatever and I am tired and achy and feeling really rather depressed. I feel like a major screw-up. I know it's mainly the hormones talking here, because he, that lovely monthly event is coming up again and sure to know the few days before always make me wanna jump of a building or at least end it all, but I know where it's coming from, so I don't...

I just drag myself through the days, barely able to get myself to make me dinner and should take an asperine for the throat, but that together with the whiskey doesn't seem like a too brilliant idea. So I am finishing my glass and then I'll drop into bed. Hopefully just tipsy enough to sleep well. For a change...

For Love

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 09:18:57 GMT

For Love

Find me in this whirl of life
I need not be much else
I am already too much
I am the one who shatters
Into a thousand pieces
A million times a day

And when you've found me
Somewhere among the pieces
Don't keep me inside a box
I am way too small for that
And way too big as well
My spirit is simply not -

One to capture
It is destined to be free
Even when it's found and bound
By Love and for Love
It will live and it will die
But it will never ever truly -

Say goodbye...

Copyright 050207

Sex to save our climate!

Thu, 01 Feb 2007 08:57:52 GMT

Got you looking didn't I?
Well, do whatever you want in those 5 minutes! (though I hope most of you need more than that).

February the 1st
Between 7.55 and 8 pm (your own time)
ALL lights OFF
JOIN IN!!!
For an action against the changing of our climate!
Let's make a wave!!!

In The Netherlands we are doing a small action to help the climate. On February the 1st between 7.55 pm and 8pm in the evening we are trying to get everybody to switch off ALL of their lights (thats also means radio, tv AND computer!) in the house for those entire 5 minutes. 5 minutes of draining less energy from our planet. 5 minutes of draining less energy to help our climate.

But why should we stop at The Netherlands? Spread the word! Join in all over the world!!!

Thank you!

Yes, I am pissed off!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 13:30:23 GMT

"Go out there, try to work again, do something, you need to do something to start to feel better."

WHAT PART OF I CAN'T HANDLE LIFE AT THIS MOMENT, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND???

Living on it's own is hard enough as it is already.

I know there are a million women out there who do survive, who do make it, who do manage to get to have a 'normal' life. But he, maybe I'm just not as strong. I thought I'd been pretty strong surviving so far. I didn't throw myself in front of a car or a truck when I thought about it, I didn't become an alcoholic so far, I didn't take a handful of pills yet, I didn't jump of that bridge, I didn't stick in that knife, like I imagined so many many many times. Don't I get some credit for that at least?

Do really only the survivors count? What? Am I nothing then? Because I can't handle to fight at this moment. I am tired, don't you get it? I am tired and dead sick of all of this. Yes, I am agitated, yes I am pissed off with myself and with my life as it is at this moment. But I just don't have the strength to fight. I am lost, I am empty, I just have enough to make it through the day. NOT because I have 'nothing to do', not because I am not working. But because living is hard enough as it is. And htis so called life that I am supposed to 'enjoy'? Well, it just isn't enough for me. It's not fulfilling, I can't think of ANYTHING that could be fulfilling, it's just not enough. It bores me, it has bored me for SO long already. Why is that so hard to understand? That life itself simply can be not enough for someone? I need a goal, I need a reason, I need osme sort of reason to be here. I'd like to find a reason for MYSELF, but I can't think of anything at all. For others yes, but for myself? No...

And for all those philosophies that life has no point, so why worry? Well, f*** off, because if life has no point then what's the point in living? I tried it all. I tried life, I tried living, I tried religion, I tried paranormal stuff, I tried so much already. Why? Because it's just not enough for me. What can satisfy so many other apparently, just doesn't do it for me. I need more. I need MAGIC. I need faeries and goblins and all that what those wonderful fantasy movies portray. Mystical stuff. Imagination. I need hidden little things, that pop out only at night. Another world inside this world. I need those colours, that magic, those creatures, that kind of world. If we can create something so colourful and full of life, then why is life itself so empty, so boring, so grey? I just need more. And they all tell me that it doesn't exist. Well, you want to know what I need to want to take part of life? I need THAT. Something that tickles my imagination, something that's so much more stimulating. Something that is everchanging and not filled with ugly grey buildings and thousands of people who just get in the way.

I WANT MAGIC.

And if I can't have that then I at least want something that FEELS magical. Like music. Music has that. Why else do you think I want to BE music? Because then I can actually mean something, then I am, actually alive. Or love. Love can be magical. Or at least it should be. I am sick of people telling me it's all just another thing one has to work hard for. But I want the magic of it. I want the sensuality and I don't want to have to wait years. I want it to BE THERE. Simply because it IS.

These days I can only smile when I see a face in a tree, or in a church window or imagine a faery behind a rock or a in the company of my friends who also need more or at least understand the need to need more...

Psychotherapy? Bah, humbug! (sorry Lissy I know it's yours) That is an EXACT thing. They are not open to anything else. There's got to be more out there though. I sincerily believe that. Because honestly, look around you; surely this can't be ALL?

So yeah, I am finally peeling of the mask I've held up for you so far. It ain't a pretty sight underneath it, now is it?!

Here's an older poem of mine...

Not Enough

Saddened by emotions
so it seems unreal
surreal to the motions
it feels - as if the world is tumbling down
it doesn't matter what you do
it doesn't really make a difference
it can't change the world the way you want it to
it leaves no room - for more - or anymore - less

Come what may - it feels
strikes the pose - chooses the deal
it haunts your dreams till you're flat out on the floor
it's an uncertain question
& you wonder what for

May it come as no surprise
that I can see through all those lies
that the way it goes is not relevant
as long as you can hold the truth inside your hand

& the way it goes
remains - the way it flows
surely all the things go back to the sea
& if only you wonder
it just wasn't enough for me

Help the way - the dead can dance
into the spiritual world
beyond the outside glance
into the insanity of the soul
purity unknown
untill you find the way it's supposed to be
- but if you ever wonder -
it just wasn't enough for me

Hold me down & choose once more
the way our ocean reaches for it's shore
maybe one day we'll find it all
& hold it
beyond the call of mystery
& far beyond the eye can see
- but untill then - in case you should wonder -
it just isn't enough for me

More than 4 years ago. And it was even already way before that. And still nothing has changed. And they wonder why I am fed up...

Song of the day, for hope against hoping;

Pale - Within Temptation
http://www.ancient-enchantments.net/songs/pale.mp3

The world seems not the same,
Though I know nothing has changed.
It's all my state of mind,
I can't leave it all behind.
I have to stand up to be stronger.

I have to try to break free
From the thoughts in my mind.
Use the time that I have,
I can't say goodbye,
Have to make it right.
Have to fight, cause I know
In the end it's worthwhile,
That the pain that I feel slowly fades away.
It will be alright.

I know, should realise
Time is precious, it is worthwhile.
Despite how I feel inside,
Have to trust it will be all right.
Have to stand up to be stronger.

Oh, this night is too long.
I have no strength to go on.
No more pain, I'm floating away.
Through the mist I see the face
Of an angel, who calls my name.
I remember you're the reason I have to stay.

Aaargh!!!

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 07:37:49 GMT

So, I've been to the doctor and of course his answer to everything was 'tension'. The headaches, the pain in my chest, the stings, the small skin problems, the pounding heart, the tiredness, the short breath, whatever the problem; tension. My somewhat high bloodpressure (150/91) and my fast heartbeat (107); tension. Except for this small spot on my leg that looks like a small burn, just bigger than a needle head, that has been there for months and just won't go away; that's nothing to worry about.

But I still worry. For all of it.

And I even forgot to tell him that my ears have been bothering me since my flight back from the UK and are probably holding fluid inside that shouldn't be there.

So for all of this tension he gave me something called Oxazepam, which is an anxiety/tension relief and relaxes the muscles. Quite alot. For two nights in a row now I haven't been able to watch my two favourite series. Simply because I am suddenly fast asleep. Reminds me of the stuff when in Spain... I am not sure whether it helps. My chest still seems to feel a bit sore at times from the stings two days ago, I am still slightly short breathed, my headaches linger lightly on the surface trying to get through, but he, at least I am sleeping well.

For the headaches he gave me an anti-migraine pill, as I said what it could be then; tension headache or migraine? His simple answer was; Try this anti-migraine pill. If it works, it's migraine, if it doesn't it's tension headache. Right... Ok... Fine... Except for the fact it says that you can't take that pill if you've got any type of heart problems at all or muscular problems and I am still not convinced that I don't and that it's all just tension. So I don't dare to try out that one...

So where am I except for somewhat more relaxed on an artificial level?

Nowhere. I am still short breathed, my heart is still pounding, I feel on edge, I feel like I can cry at a single wrong word, every little thing feels like I am in the way, that it's my fault, that I can't do anything right. I feel detached, like my head is in a constant blurr (and that's not 'cos of the Oxazepam, actually it makes it feel slightly more clear) and nothing seems to be right. My body is complaining for the fact my emotions get stuck inside and I feel like on both sides nothing's being done. Great...

I met up with Meidi yesterday which was fun as per usual, with the only slight difference that it didn't do for me what it normally does, which is make me feel slightly euphoric and happy. It was nice at the moment, though it didn't reach me as it usually does and I felt clouded and anxious, so I took an Oxazepam (My second only; the first one before that had been more than 12 hours ago), which rendered me more at ease, but it didn't do a thing for me feeling slightly detached from it all. We ate pancakes and chatted as usual and walked around arm in arm, which felt nice, someone by my side, someone who was not complaining about me in any way, and then we went into the cinema, where we just sat on the couch in the hall, not intending to watch a movie at all, but just wanting to eat popcorn and sit on a comfy couch. And then she had to go again. We gave a tight hug and we both went on our way again. But normally when I see her I am bouncy with happiness for seeing her. I was still happy to see her, though I missed that bounciness.

She was wearing a lovely new coat and though jealousy is not a nice thing, there it was slightly, because I can't afford a new coat, while I've been wearing mine at least 4 years now and I had to mend the lining in all sorts of places and even the outside by the sleeve. It's falling apart and I'd love a new coat but I can't afford it. It still looks ok enough from a distance, but it's not even properly black anymore and even though it still makes me feel ok to wear it, it also makes me feel a bit tattered at the same time.

And a good friend of mine has a piano which I can store in my flat for free, since he has no place for it at this moment, so I can finally learn to play, but I don't live ground level, so it costs about 350 Euros to get it here and I don't have that. So my dream of having a piano, if only for a few months or a year, maybe two, is being stoned to death by the fact that yes, I can't afford it...

Also the problem with the radiators has not been solved yet, I need to borrow money from my creditcard again to pay my rent, they told me to call the glass maker myself but I already did 4 times before and I am still waiting for their call to fix my storage window, somehow I was thrown out of the collective health insurance deal and now I need to solve that too, my friends in the store are asking if I can fill in for work one or two days but I don't feel up to anything at the moment, so that means disappointing them, I am feeling so depressed that I can hardly get through the days, my dishes are stacking because I can't get myself to wash them, my bedroom looks the same because of the clothing, I need to clean the house again, but I keep postponing and I am not in any mood to get dressed nicely and if I do, it just doesn't do it for me anymore. And these are just a few of the problems.

Tjeesssss tension... I wonder where it could come from...

Doctor

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 08:22:12 GMT

I am not a happy bunny this morning. Yesterday I woke up with fierce stings in my chest and whenever I moved or took a breath it hurt. Two days before I had a horrible headache which rendered me almost lame. So I want to go see my doctor, though I know he'll probably say; stress.

I got up early this morning to call him, at 8, because the place starts to fill at 7.30 usually and expected an assistant to make me an appointment. But it got transferred to himself and he was his usual 'charming' self again. Basically what he said is "I'm late, just getting in the car, call back at 9, one always has to call between 9 and 11, I thought patients would know this after all these years, but obviously some still don't!"

So I put down the phone and started crying my eyes out. He always makes me feel like a nagging person, always in the way, always there just 'complaining'. But it's not like I come there often. I don't feel taken seriously at all. I want to switch doctors. This was the final straw.

I know he doesn't instantly know ho he has on the phone, but I am suffering from depression and I can't take it when people are that brutal with me. This morning he made me feel like I was annoying him by calling at that time, so I asked my mum to make an appointment for me, because I couldn't face to call him again. I don't really want to go to him now anymore, but I have no other choice. Switching doctors takes time.

I know which one I want. It's a woman I went to once when my own doctor was on holiday. His place is stark and dark looking, old-fashioned, grim. Her place was nicer, light, she was friendly, she's a woman and there were kid's toys, so it made the place look alot more open and welcoming. I want her. But I don't know if she has place for me...

I hope she does...

Mum just called, I can go this afternoon. He apologised for being a bit moody this morning, so I'll have to see. But meanwhile I am crying again. This is so not a good morning for me. Maybe it's just hormones... I don't know... All I know is that there's apparently little I can take today...

Article

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 16:00:37 GMT

I wrote an article last Tuesday and I typed it over and edited it today. It took all of my energy. It's called The Effect of Sexual Abuse. It's partly more general and partly autobiographical. It's in Dutch, so it's no use showing it to you so far. And I may still edit it at some later stage, I don't know. Maybe when I'm up to it, I'll translate it one day. I am hoping I can get it out there. I am not sure where though. It seems a bit too large for a magazine what with 4 pages. But then you never know. I was thinking about sending it to Psychology Magazine. But I'll have to think about it. For now I think I need a large cup of tea and a bit of a rest. It's been enough for today...

Serving You My Heart

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 00:27:53 GMT

This picture by aquasixio inspired me to write the poem below;

Serving You My Heart

Eat it
You can have it
I don't think I need it anymore
I have opened it
And closed it
Many a time
Of that I can be sure

But all those other feelings
That kept flowing in
And out
I have tried to understand them
I really did
Held fear in it
And love - and doubt

So go ahead
Eat it
I'm not sure to use it still
I'll just sit here and wait
And watch it be devoured
It has served me well enough
You too, I'm sure - It will

Copyright 260107

Poem

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 23:45:26 GMT

One Word - The Taboo

And I don't want to sleep
And I don't want to cry
Today was yet another day
In which a single word
Made me feel like I could die

'Same'

Oh my dear God; yet another one
There are too many really
How many monsters must
there truly be out there
So many that we cannot see

And I am scared, and I am sane
And I am terribly crazy in this
But who's to blame?

She said she knew my story
And then she said she'd been there too
Every word felt like a crucifiction
The nails penetrating my skin
Like I wish they would also do

- With The Taboo

Reflecting

Sun, 21 Jan 2007 17:42:02 GMT

It's funny how I always seem to take in a character of a movie. I've just seen The Libertine and Johnny Depp puts down another amazing performance. But I watch these things so intently that I now 'feel' as if I'm him. It's like I have his shell, when i move I see his movements, when I look, I feel his eyes, when I move my mouth, or even sigh, I see his features in my mind. And it 'feels' like him, because I've just watched him. Does that make any sense? I frown and I see his frown and somehow that translates to it almost feeling as if I am the character. It's like the character has possessed me a bit. I mean I know I am still me, but, I don't know how to explain it... It's like it's burned on my horizon, in my mind's eye, in my mind. It happens often, I almost 'become' the character of the movie. Sometimes I even have to yank myself back to the here and now, because it almost feels like it's taking over. It's like starting to act without intending to. As if I've devoured the character's every movement, every sentiment, every way, it's soul and now it's become part of me. I always have to wear it off. It always takes a bit. Sometimes a few minutes and sometimes half an hour and sometimes even longer. It's a strange sort of rush, a strange sory of adrenaline. As if that energy on screen has reflected itself inside of me. And luckily I can be rational about it, otherwise I'd easily be convinced I could do all the things that character can do. And seriously now... I am not a man. But when watching say Tomb Raider, I feel like Lara, I could almost easily be convinced I can fight like here, dangle of a ceiling like her, sway on a rope around the room's sides like her. Perhaps these characters that hang around inside of me for a longer while are indeed reflections. Reflections of something inside of me. Maybe they are recognition points in my soul, little bit that I have inside of me that otherwise never come out. I don't know. It's just a philosophy. Because I wonder what it is in our Mr. Depp that seems to reflect inside of me. What part of me recognises something inside of him and his characters and are it just his characters or is it the way he plays them, because they are each different characters, but I have it with most of them. So perhaps is it something in his body language? Or is it the atmosphere of his being, something... I don't know... What part is it? I really do wonder...

Inside my mind for a while I've felt like so many characters. I've been Atreyu riding his horse along the plains of Fantasia. I've been Sarah and I've been Jareth in Labyrinth, maybe even more so Jareth than Sarah even. I've been Lara Croft and I've been the lead characters of Aeonflux and Underworld. Could it be that it reflects some tougher part of me? The part of me that wishes to come out and face the world head on? Because I am always running away, I am always hiding, I am always avoiding conflict, I don't stand up for myself and I'd rather wither away in a corner than to have to face life. Are these characters reflections of someone I wish to be? What I'd like to be more? A part of me that's desperate to get out? Or simply a part of me that needs to be let out and be developed into something more avidly alive inside of me in order for me to survive? Could this part be the part that can slaughter the depression into nothingness and make me capable of facing up with and of coping with life itself?

But then, in our Mr. Depp I always sense this slight tragicness as well. He plays for the sake of playing, but how satisfied is he truly with life? Can I achieve a satisfaction with life through developing my stronger, more deviant part? 'The tough girl' in me? Do I have it even? Yes, I feel that I do. How else would I feel that something is reflecting inside of me? It's interesting and intriguing to say the least. Is it just the strength in the characters and the persons that I feel? What can it be? Could it just be some partly hidden desire inside of me. The desire to stick up for myself and become a much stronger and if I may add a more womanly woman too?

Sure I am lady-like. Sure I am woman-like. But I have so much more inside of me. The passion that I feel lingering somewhere inside of me that never ever dares ot come out, or that I don't dare to let out. Listening to Kate Bush I feel so very feminine, listening to Tori Amos, I am aching to get it out and show it to the world. Maybe I am more of a performer even than I am letting myself be. Or maybe I am just more of a woman than I am letting myself be. Or maybe... I am more of a person than I am letting myself be. More human... than I am letting myself be...

Mountain Bike

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 19:43:40 GMT

So I bought myself a mountain bike today. Second hand. 25 Euros. (+/-18 GBP). It's one with broader wheels and it's blue. It's got some rust here and there, but it still seems to funtion well enough. I think I may try to take off the stickers, as they are bright yellow and stuff and it just takes away the nice look of the blue.

Anyway. Next thing in line is runner's shoes. You know, for jogging or such. So that I have a choice at least. They say that if one suffers from depression, exercise is the key to feel better. So I guess I'd better make a start with that. When I cycled with my friends Lissy and Paul in the UK it was just such a nice rush. A very good feeling. I felt energy. It was almost the same adrenaline feeling I had when I went laser-questen with someone's birthday party. It makes you feel so much more alive.

Of course my mum's first reaction was "A mountain bike? What do you want with that? You are a lady, that's not lady-like at all!" She saw my motivation though after I had explained it to her.

So... Given the weather report I may have to wait a bit still before I can actually go on longer trips, but for now... I guess short ones will have to do and are probably best too anyway. We'll see...

Memories

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 10:27:18 GMT

I was reminded today of K. In an email someone claimed to have been a friend. And I instantly felt this missing again. I should be thankful for all that he has given me, but I can't help to think that such a beautiful person should not had left this earth so soon. We have a shortage of such wonderful beings as it is. And I miss him.

Where am I ever going to find such a person again who completely accepts me for who I am? Friendship is one thing, but a relationship takes so much more. He never tried to change me. He only gave advice and then left the decision up to me. He let me be me and accepted whatever that 'me' was.

And truth be told, I miss someone in my life. But also I am too afraid to let myself get involved into anything again. What if it fails again? What if I fail again? What if I choose someone whom I make myself invisible again for? Discard my own needs? Live for that other person and not for me anymore? Because that's what usually happens. I always tried to change myself. For the sake of the other. K never asked it of me, and still I did. Others had asked it of me. Indirectly or more directly. Maybe by then it had already become too much of a habit. or maybe it's just in my character. Disregarding myself for the sake of the other.

"But who's there for you then? Who does the same for you?" my therapist asked. I couldn't tell him, because I didn't know the answer to that one.

K was there for me. He'd phone me right away when he felt I was in need of it. He was worried about me. He wanted to listen to me. He said he wasn't really a very chatty person and yet we spend hours on the phone. He liked me. He liked the person I am. He saw my talent. He saw 'me' and he liked it. He loved it. And he didn't care in what way I'd let him love me. As long as he could. And he did. I am sure he wanted to be an unconditional person in my life, for he said I had already missed so much already.

Nobody like him. Sharing my quirky sides. Telling me to say hello to the faeries for him. And the only person I've ever met who also thanks things for their service before throwing them away. So much aware of life and it's gifts. So thankful for every little bit and every little thing in his life. Not taking anything for granted. Life had taught him the hard way. Like it does many of us. But most don't change too much because of it. And if they do it's only for themselves mostly. K had learned to appreciate things and he was very careful about what he let into his life. He opened the door wearily when we first met. He eyed me suspiciously, but couldn't find any alterior reason for me being there but my respect for him and his work. Within 4 hours we knew. There was something there that could not be denied. We recognised something in each other. It was like a movie almost. He dropped me of at the station and we said goodbye. And as we walked away we looked back. And we knew we'd see each other again. "I don't think I've ever been fan of a fan before". His face, his posture when I gave him a little gift without expecting anything back for it. So thankful. The next time we saw each other was after many emails and many phonecalls. We had shared our personal most hurtful stories. We had laughed and talked for hours. And we loved each other.

It was only a short time really. A few months. Of which I only saw him a few times for a few days. The rest was spend virtually through emails or verbally over the phone. But the impact, the closeness, the things I learned, the things he taught me by just being him... I'll never forget that... Not ever...

Storm Part II

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 22:44:11 GMT

The storm is really making a hell of a mess here. Branches are everywhere and according to the news there have been several victims, some even dead. The main train stations at two big cities have been laid completely still and at many other stations people have stranded as most trains have stopped going. In Utrecht no trains whatsoever were going anymore and in Amsterdam they even had to evacuate part of the station as some of the glass panels of the roofing over the platforms were blown out and crashed down. No casualities as far as reported, just thousands of stranded people. In alot of cities places have been arranged for people to stay, where coffee, tea and bread is being served. They think it's going to be a long night, esp. since the workers to restore any broken cables for the trains can't do anything until the wind has dropped at least by half. Also at the national airport Schiphol trains have been canceled and alot of planes are delayed or not going. Glass windows are flying out, part of buildings are broken, cars have had trees on them, roads have been flooded and the news is warning people to stay in if possible, even when not at final destination. In Utrecht a huge builders crane has crashed on top of one of the Universities. A few people were lightly wounded.

Also at my mum's apartment there is some serious damage on her balcony. She's on the 4th floor, so the wind blows extra hard there. I am going there tomorrow to make pics for the ensurance. A few days ago a glass vase was blown into a thousand pieces already and tonight everything was wrecked. The closet was blown down, on top of the table and the chairs that were already all over the place. Everything that was on the balcony, pots, plants, vases, also my favourite big shell is probably lying about in a million pieces.

It seems I have been lucky. Some thing were blown across my balcony, but that's it. I did hold my breath for a moment when I saw the glass in the kitchen window move back and forth in the middle, as it's single glass. But it's still in... It's time for bed now, they say it will get better over the night. But tomorrow it will still be very windy. Here are some pictures from the crisis website, I have added the names of the people who made the pictures with them.

Niek Joanknecht - Crane crashed on University

Hielke Boerema - A blown off roof

Erik Meulman - A blown away garden house

Ilse Sjonger - Tree on car - Amsterdam
Niels Bom - Tree on car - Amsterdam
Sam Trieu - Part of building - Amsterdam

Evelien van de Put - Mill crashed
Verdijk - Tree on building

Joep Henselmans - Amsterdam Central Station

My mum's apartment

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 13:50:49 GMT

I almost forgot I promised to show you the pics of my mum's freshly painted apartment. It took me along time, but at least it's done. Now she can save up for new floors.

If you remember how it used to be;

Now the floor is still that way, but she's got a small carpet over it now, so it looks at least a bit better until she has the money to buy new floors. To explain how it got this far; 5 years of smoking, renovations outside the building which gave cracks on the inside and the dog, who has fear of abandonment and wrecked the place... the last two pictures are his job. And that's not counting the torn blinds, the old curtains including the rail, the window panes, the carpet, the metal doorstrip and the wallpaper. She had already replaced the curtains, but the rest... not yet... He really is a very sweet dog... As long as he can be with you.

This is how it looks now, after painting and some redecorating;

One small room now is a walk-in closet;

The bathroom (the 3rd picture above), now looks like this;

The hallway (2nd, 4th (doors), 5th and 6th picture) now looks like this (there's a mirror now above the table on the right and one above the chest to the left as well);

The bedroom;

The other small room that used to be a room filled with closets and the dog's domain (read; sand, toys and a half eaten window pane), now is a diningroom;

The kitchen;

And the livingroom (1st picture);

The walls used to be salmon coloured. Now the big wall is light brown and has tiny little glitters on it, mixed with the paint. The rest of the walls are a very light shade of grey, just like in the kitchen.

My mum is now happy again with her apartment and dares to invite people over again. And she has taken to smoking only by the door at the computer or in the diningroom where there's always a small window open.

Storm

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 13:08:45 GMT

There's a huge storm roaring outside. And they say it'll still get worse this afternoon. The trees are bending a good 15 to 20 degrees and a big shoppingbag which I use to put my empty glass bottles in has been blown right off my balcony into the next door garden, as it was empty at this moment. My little plastic kitchen step has been blown all across my balcony and so have some plastic flower pots been, also the big green watering-can. Outside at times you can't move forward or you can hang into the wind and not fall over. I phoned my mum to be careful when she goes home from work this afternoon and she said that she heard that in Amsterdam people are warned to stay indoors as the roofing-tiles are flying about like little plastic bags. I can see little tree bits on the grass here and the two small ponds are about 50 cm over their edge. The stone bank where fishermen sometimes sit and where you can feed the ducks and all is completely flooded.

I am happy I don't have to go anywhere. Except for walking the dog this afternoon. But I'll let him do something on the grass across the apartment and then go back in again.

I have called the radiator people to check my radiators as my appointment with the rental company has me sitting across two people, arms crossed, listening to my story about suddenly boiling hot radiators with a look on their face as if they were seeing water burn. So I'm going to try to see if this man can find something so that I'll have some proof to back me up. If they think that I can have heated for 320 Euros in 5 weeks, of which I didn't move into the flat for 3 and a half of them and only had the heaters on in whatever room I was painting and not much, 'cos you get warm when painting, then I don't want the bill for over an entire year. Still they looked at me as if I was lying or something and they want to wait until the next bill and see whether that's still extra-ordinarily high. If they don't think so, for whatever reason, I am screwed, to put it mildly. Because if the radiator counters say 320 Euros in 5 weeks... Try a whole year...

But anyway, it does mean I had a good reason to do something about the mountains of clothing in my bedroom and the closet that still hadn't found a proper place. So I moved about things and am washing some piles, then after brunch, I'll start clearing the clothing again and put them into the closets again and vacuum clean and dust and all. It's a good day if any, since they advice you not to go out if you don't have to anyway. Good enough two reasons for me if any.

So how come I only clear my house when I know visitors are coming? Bah. I should do this for me as well. At least I've started to force myself to cook again every day. So that's a start. I'm going to try to push myself a bit more, so that everything can be in place and I can finally stop making excuses not to paint. I should do that again, it's been too long. I've done a bit in the UK the other time and before that something small, but other than that nothing in a looong time. I mean, I am talking 2 years or so. And I like painting. I just have troubles with getting myself started... So I've been invented excuses; But I still have to clean this, but that still isn't done, but I need to... blah blah first... Nomore... I wanted an atelier and I shall learn to use it too!

So now for another cup of tea and a sandwich after my weetaflakes, so that I'll have enough energy. Then I'll put on some music and continue clearing my bedroom of clothing and bags and the suitcase... And then maybe I'll have myself a bath tonight. I've got that now, a small but ok enough bath. Fits just about not, but with a slightly uncomfortable pose I do fit after all. That's ok. It's a bath. And it fits in my tiny bathroom.

Good ok... teatime!

...

Goodness me... There's a funeral going on across the street. With this weather... :( Wow...

Bored

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:11:54 GMT

I am bored. That's just it. I still have so much to do, in my house and online for website making. But I don't feel like it. But for the rest, I am bored. Blah.

Wow...

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 18:44:38 GMT

Pan's Labyrinth is cool. And that's that.

Pan's Labyrinth - Official website

Discount

Tue, 16 Jan 2007 15:49:09 GMT

Pringles for 99 cts and 100 grams Milka bars for 50 cts, normally the latter are 75 cts and Pringles are much more. So I just bought 6 Milka bars, 4 Pringles (low fat) and 2 boxes of seedless grapes (also discounted) for only €9,75 (GBP 6.40). Which really isn't bad at all...

I think I am ready for another episode of Gilmore Girls. Not all at once, mind you.

Fooling

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 22:18:39 GMT

Today I came very close to fooling myself into a bit of ok-ness again. Which was good. I thought I'd like to adjust my look to my mood, so I bought black eye-liner and deep dark red (burgundy) lipstick and voilá, I looked a bit better again. It's good to look at something slightly better in the mirror, because it helps you to fool yourself things aren't all that bad. So then I continued to spend more money that I actually don't have and bought myself two blazers (Turquoise and Black) to which my mum added a third (Caramel coloured) and I also bought brightly coloured tights.

Meanwhile I got bored again;

MirrorMask

Mon, 15 Jan 2007 10:31:15 GMT

'If I Apologised' - end title song of the movie MirrorMask
Music by Dave McKean
Words by Nail Gaiman
Vocals by Josefine Cronholm

"These are the kind of worlds you don't want to escape from."

Is it wrong of me to wish the world could look like that every now and then? Just something out of the ordinary, there where faeries and the strangest of creatures still exist, or at least are visible to the human eye. I miss some mystery in my life. I miss the vision in reality of what I imagine there to be. "It couldn't hurt too much to fly..."

If I apologised
it wouldn't make it all unhappen
wouldn't make the darkness go away
If I apologised
it wouldn't mean I was forgiven
wouldn't mean you wanted me to stay

But
it's a dream
when you seem
to be walking into the sun
we're on first
unrehearsed
and we still don't know what we've done
so we don't say anything.

If I apologised
I don't suppose you'd even notice
even though I'd whisper it inside
If I apologised
we could be the perfect couple
Well we could, but only in my mind

but
if you ask
for the mask
then we're stumbling on through the dark
But we wait
it's too late
And we only had to be asked
so we don't say anything.

It couldn't hurt to try it
It couldn't hurt too much to try
It's there beyond the quiet
it couldn't hurt too much to fly...

Words by Neil Gaiman

Postponing

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 22:49:22 GMT

I postpone going to bed at night, because sleeping means having to get up again in the morning.

Empty

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 18:57:12 GMT

I can't really take it anymore. It just feels bad. It's not the pre-period hormones this time. I don't know what it is. I am being eating up alive inside. At least that's what it feels like. Like my heart is being ripped out. As if I am being devoured by something unseen, it's taking the life right out of me. How bad does this feel? I don't know. It just feels bad.

I feel lost, unseen, alone, starving, choking, suffocated, lonely, anxious, restless, out of place, just... wrong...

I wish that I could stop this, but I don't know how. I saw a movie this afternoon 'MirrorMask', really cool. It was a dark, gloomy, strange, but beautiful world. Though slightly eerie. And all I could think when it had ended was "These are the kind of worlds you don't want to escape from."

Why? Because they seem so much better. So much better than this. Everything seems the same. All the beauty that appears attracts me but for only a little bit and then it all lets go again and I am left with the same old nothingness of this existence. I need something more than that. But what can it be? What can make it all feel better? I don't know.

There was a song in the end, very pretty, sung by this Sweedish singer Josefine Cronholm. And I wanted more. Much more, so I tracked her albums down and downloaded the one with original songs through iTunes. sweet. Heart-breakingly beautiful. It's so hard to find voices like that. And I felt devoured once again. It's ripping me apart. Or like I said at the time "God, these things just rip out your heart, stamp on it and then hand it back to you; 'Do you still want it?' - Neh, keep it... It's demolished now anyway, torn apart by beauty. But what a way to go..."

But what a way to go. No wonder I am aching to be music. I am listening to Sarah Mchlachlan now. She can always do me in well enough too. What am I to do without music, I'd perish, surely. I am already halfway there anyway, so without it... what would there be left. Nothing I think. It's my only lifeline or so it seems to be. Music is... Without it I am lost. Or actually, more lost than I already am. Wihtout music there is no life. and all these people keep walking by saying 'yeah nice' and they've got no clue. They've got no clue that without it, I'd not be here anymore. I'd jump of the first bridge I'd see, I'd jump into the ocean and drown myself, I'd take pills, have a nice close encounter with a train, whatever would do the job, nice, quick and fast.

I can't take this life. Not in moments like these. I feel so... I don't know. Nothing feels right. I don't want to sit, don't want to stand, don't want to lie down. Sleep would be nice, but I can't just yet, because I need to walk the dog still later on. I want to shutt myself off, cast myself out of this all, just to vanish for a moment and to not be. Because I don't know how to be. It's all just too hard, too much, too energy draining.

I've got pain inside. And it's not the visible kind. It's not even the actual 'pain' like kind, but it's this unseen, undefinable, un-understandable kind. the type that feels like a hand grasping your heart and pinching it, not like actual pain, but like... an emotion... It's an emotion and it's tearing me apart.

Good God, there's got to be something better than this? How do people do that? How do they live their lives? It just seems too hard for me. How am I supposed to be part of society? Work? Smile? Move, even? Breathing seems a too big of a task these days. What have I got left? What have I got to live for? Talent? I am not that good. Gifts? I am just one of the many. I hear a beautiful singing voice somewhere and I feel even more lost. Torn between envy and being touched by it's beauty. They've got what I want don't they? They are living the life I want aren't they? But they are so much better at it. And what do I have? But a weak reflection of it all? I am not that special, but I long to be. Special enough to someone. If I can't mean something to someone, I have no reason to be here. Because living this life for me? I am sorry, but I am far too tired for that. It's simply not worth the effort. I am far too tired. Far too tired...

I wish I could cry. Because I can't get this out and I need it to come out. It's suffocating me. Get it out of me. Please? Save me from myself, make me feel alive. Because I can't do it on my own... I simply haven't got the strength to do it...

"Drink me, make me feel real" - Bjork

I can't even sing along these days because my voice is screwed up because of the cold. It's one of the biggest curses there are. Not being able to sing. Man, does it make me feel incomplete or what? So wasted. I need it to sustain myself, to survive. Without it I am nothing, nothing at all. Or at least, I feel like nothing at all... I need to be able to listen to music and to sing along to feel alive. I feel dead without it. I can't live without it. I need my voice back... I feel too incomplete without it...

Luckily it's starting to get better already. Oh, but what a horrible time without it... I need it to feel... It's the only way for me I can touch my own emotion. Without music, I am nothing.

I feel like a little lost child ever since I got back from Tanworth. It sure shook me hard to realise I could get just as down there. Nomore safe spaces, nomore safe place to be. It's everywhere now. I don't think anyone there understood just what kind of impact this has made on me. I walk around these days like a half alive being, feeling small and feeble and so terribly incomplete. My voice is even smaller than before, when I speak it's devoid of any kind of strength, it just speaks, but the energy has gone. I don't want to anymore either. I feel almost ok here. Lost and alone inside a world where I am too confused in to be. A little sorry figure half there, I feel like I am on pills, half alive, half dead, barely able to smile anymore. Oh I can fake it if I have to, but even that ability seems to be slowly fading away from me. Until there'll be nothing left of me. I feel as if I am only a little timid mouse, whatever strength I had is gone. I feel up to nothing anymore. Nothing seems to be really worth it anymore. Oh, don't get me wrong, I still care. And I feel guilty and sorry about the fact that I haven't got the energy to do anything. To finish the projects I promised to do, to update my websites, to even get out and do something anymore these days. I am lost and tired and fed up. Exhausted. Exhausted of living. But I don't want to die. I don't want to vanish. But do I have a choice? It seems these days I feel to weak to do anything about it. I simply haven't got the strength for it anymore. I'm wasted.

I seem to be devoid of so many things that make me 'me' that I just stare and drag myself forward these days. I write and my body obeys to touch these keys and produce something, but my face seems empty, I feel empty, I feel like this shell is doing what it's supposed to, but I am out of touch with it. It works, I can make it do things, but I am hardly aware of them. I can see myself typing. I can feel it even. But I am hardly aware of it. It just doesn't hit home. Almost not at all. It's like I just don't care anymore. But I do. I feel as if I'm sleepwalking. Maybe that's it, maybe that's the best description for how I am feeling.

I can't take this anymore. I need something. If only I knew what... How do I wake from this state of the waking dead? The sleeping living? The empty vessels on an open sea that's called life? I used to be somebody... What happened to me?

Where have I gone? And how do I get back?

I just feel so out of touch with everything. With life itself even... How do I get back? How do I get back to 'me'?