Musings & Thoughts [entries|friends|calendar] Denise (aka Anna Avon) [ website | Ancient Enchantments ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

Help! (Really need it!!!) [10 Jan 2010|02:43pm] Please people, it only takes a few seconds of your time! That's it, that's all! And you'd really, really help me, cos I am over 200 votes behind! My deepest gratitude and thanks if you vote! xxx Vote here for Falena & Domingo; http://haarzuilens.elffantasy.com For King and Queen of Elfia. You might think, why vote for a fantasy thing? Cos it's real enough! The King & Queen get to open the fairs, give people prizes, represent Elfia for the media, one is in fact for a whole year the businesscard, the face of the Elf Fantasy Fair, the biggest fantasy event in Europe!!! That's what it's for! The theme of this year is Pantheon, all Gods and Goddesses together. I depict a half-goddess and main videos ask to be elected and my pirate video talks about the many shapes and forms one can take; pirate, animal, elf, human, everything. Here are my videos (sorry, in Dutch, but you can get the gest); ' Dream

Fear [17 Feb 2007|02:10am] [ mood | creative ] 2 Dreamed|Dream

One Horrendous Night [16 Feb 2007|03:53pm] [ mood | exhausted ] I had the most horrendous night last night. My period finally set through and I have laid awake almost the entire night with semi-murderous cramps. I've been in and out of bed several times, roled around from back to stomach, to side, to stomach, to back, have held a hotwater bottle on my stomach and against my lower back as the pains happily ran through the back as well. Luckily these cramps only occir for several hours a month just before the show starts and then I have a day of feeling tired, with a feeling of a bloated stomach and nagging almost ongoing lighter cramps which make me feel I have to go to the toilet about every single hour. Though since the most intense cramps happened during the night, I now have the splendid added feeling during the day of having been hit by a truck. Yes, happy womanhood. Not. And since I 'celebrated' my for the coming time 'not going to drink alcohol when alone at home' with a few small glasses of pink champagne to wave it all goodbye for now, I also couldn't take an Ibuprofen as I don't like mixing alcohol with pain killers. So yes, my night was simply horrendous and now my day is the same, simply because I haven't slept a wink and lay curled up with pain all night. So I have no idea whether my new orthopedic pillow (made of memory foam) is working or not. I easily suffer from back pains and the last few days I have been having pain in neck as well, so since my old pillows just didn't give any support anymore I bought myself an orthopedic one. 59 freaking Euros. I can't afford it really. But since the depression is also depriving me of sleep at times I figured I'd best get something good to lay my head on for the hours that I can sleep. And yes, I have been spending more money that I don't really have as I have finally found a movie I had been looking for ever since I was a kid and had seen it once on tv. I had no idea what it was called as the video back then had a translated to Dutch title and I have searched and searched and searched, simply because I felt I had to see it again. The atmosphere in it was amazing, or at least, as far as I can remember, because I was a kid after all. Imagine my surprise when I saw it in the music store between the Manga movies! It's called The Castle Of Cagliostro and you can see what it's about here; http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Castle_of_Cagliostro It's a Manga movie by Hayao Miyazaki, who also made the more recent Howl's Moving Castle, another movie I absolutely love. Try to find and see both of them if you can. That's it for now, my Ibyprofen has finally started to work and now I am only feeling exhausted, but my belly seems more at ease. Finally. It's time for tea and hanging on the couch for a bit now. I am a woman, I am having my period, so I am fully entitled to do absolutely nothing today and wallow in feeling tired and crappy. See you later. Or something. Dream

It's Pink and fluffy. [15 Feb 2007|09:24pm] [ mood | silly ] I am watching 'Simply Irresistible'. A great movie, full of magic. And I could elaborate on all it's wonderful images it puts into my mind, about the perfect man that I want to find, no correct, I will find and the great life I will still lead, when I have truly found myself and am one with myself and with that person. I know alot of you think that's just bullshit and just dream stuff, but yeah you know what; I believe and I will have it, so screw anyone who doesn't believe. Because just like in other folk, Faeries, Vampires, Spirits, all of those beautiful creatures and energies, what would we be without them, life would simply be too boring, I may be found exclusively extra-ordinarily mad, but I don't give a damn, because I can honestly say from the bottom of my heart and my imagination, my own true soul of believing in it all, all that's magic; I believe. I am in love with the possibilities of Life itself and I believe that there's a person out there who believes the same and who's the other part of my soul, without whom I am only living half, who can make me feel complete and I will find him. And I will find him some day soon. Mark my words. I will proof it to you all. Magic does happen and it will happen to me and it will be love that is the magic and what will make it all seem magical. And it will happen soon. Here's the deal; I am a nutcase. I am an overly utterly and old-fashionedly romantic girl with a heart as wide and open as the oceans, all of the oceans in the world and I don't care that I am different, that I am 'out' of this world, that I am a dreamer who believes in all of her dreams, who's afraid of things that can't be seen and yet is surviving just the same on things that can't be seen. Psychology will render me ripe for the nuthouse, but all of you out there who believe in Love and Magic will believe me and will know I already do know that it will and can happen. Love and Life are like food. Like in the movie. They can stimulate and provocate and love and render you insane and wanting and waiting for more. I'm in love with life and it's possibilties. I may not think I can survive and yet I feel I will survive. That all of my dreams can come true. That I will be happy exactly the way I want to be happy. That all and everything can and will happen. It's just a few more weeks, perhaps a few more months. But then you'll see it's true. Because in this lifetime it will happen. My soulmate and I will re-unite, my spiritual twin and I will come together and unite an be one again and then we'll move on to become as happy as we can be in this lifetime. Pink Champagne talking? Bubbles without ice? Or imagination stimulated by the movie. Or just dreams? I don't care, because I believe. How insane it may sound. I believe. And I know that it will happen. Because what we think is truth, maybe not in this realm, but then certainly in another. And we can make it ours. If not today, then tomorrow. Or perhaps the day after. But nothing, is impossible... I greet thee... Good night! See how crazy I am? I actually walk around with a dog in a buggy. But he's one of the best and most wonderful doggies ever and frankly my dear, about appearing to look like a madcase; I don't give a damn...   I love him and he was the BEST Valentine's date ever. Because we hugged and just lay there half asleep together for an hour or so and it was warm and cosy and nice and sweet. Better than any man could pull of so far, because all they think about mostly is sex and not warmth and care. But a dog gives you unconditional love and warmth and care and so he was my best, and first, Valentine's date ever. Pictures are copyright me and were made today. Scuse the typos. It's bed time... 1 Dreamed|Dream

Tonight I Apologised To The Dog [10 Feb 2007|11:28pm] [ mood | depressed ] Tonight I am taking a glass of whiskey to forget. It is that, or worse. And I refuse to do worse. I apologised to the dog tonight, for not offering him a better life. I can only think he may have been better of somewhere else, some other family. I mean, I really love him to bits, but my mum is always away and she can't give him the attention he needs. But look at me... Wasted and sad. Depressed. The dog's got an itchy skin, 'cos of stress. It's probably because of me. Dogs do that, tune in to their owners. Poor thing. What a thing to tune in to. Maybe if I weren't feeling so lousy I could do more stuff with him. Play with him more often, take him on longer walks. Make him run and be happy. Just generally give him a better life... But maybe I should do that with myself as well. If only I knew how. I saw one of those silly shows again tonight, you know where people sing and are made 'into stars'. Singing. I wish I could do more with that. Sing, perform, make videos. But I know I am not good enough yet by far. Sure I have a different sound, but I am not commercial. So basically that makes me screwed. Second in line to singing is probably photography. And somewhere sharing first place with singing would be writing. But look at my options. A million people at least far better at it than me and these are not exactly things to make a decent living of, unless you're really really good. And I'm not. I am reasonable. I am ok. But I am no enigma. So tonight I am drinking whiskey. Because I want to forget. My throat hurts because I got my breathing 'tick' again because of anxiety, stress, whatever and I am tired and achy and feeling really rather depressed. I feel like a major screw-up. I know it's mainly the hormones talking here, because he, that lovely monthly event is coming up again and sure to know the few days before always make me wanna jump of a building or at least end it all, but I know where it's coming from, so I don't... I just drag myself through the days, barely able to get myself to make me dinner and should take an asperine for the throat, but that together with the whiskey doesn't seem like a too brilliant idea. So I am finishing my glass and then I'll drop into bed. Hopefully just tipsy enough to sleep well. For a change... 1 Dreamed|Dream

For Love [05 Feb 2007|10:24am] [ mood | indescribable ] For Love Find me in this whirl of life I need not be much else I am already too much I am the one who shatters Into a thousand pieces A million times a day And when you've found me Somewhere among the pieces Don't keep me inside a box I am way too small for that And way too big as well My spirit is simply not - One to capture It is destined to be free Even when it's found and bound By Love and for Love It will live and it will die But it will never ever truly - Say goodbye... Copyright 050207 Dream

Sex to save our climate! [01 Feb 2007|10:07am] [ mood | Congenial ]   Got you looking didn't I? Well, do whatever you want in those 5 minutes! (though I hope most of you need more than that).   February the 1st Between 7.55 and 8 pm (your own time) ALL lights OFF JOIN IN!!! For an action against the changing of our climate! Let's make a wave!!! In The Netherlands we are doing a small action to help the climate. On February the 1st between 7.55 pm and 8pm in the evening we are trying to get everybody to switch off ALL of their lights (thats also means radio, tv AND computer!) in the house for those entire 5 minutes. 5 minutes of draining less energy from our planet. 5 minutes of draining less energy to help our climate. But why should we stop at The Netherlands? Spread the word! Join in all over the world!!! Thank you! Dream

Yes, I am pissed off! [31 Jan 2007|02:14pm] [ mood | pissed off ] "Go out there, try to work again, do something, you need to do something to start to feel better." WHAT PART OF I CAN'T HANDLE LIFE AT THIS MOMENT, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND??? Living on it's own is hard enough as it is already. I know there are a million women out there who do survive, who do make it, who do manage to get to have  a 'normal' life. But he, maybe I'm just not as strong. I thought I'd been pretty strong surviving so far. I didn't throw myself in front of a car or a truck when I thought about it, I didn't become an alcoholic so far, I didn't take a handful of pills yet, I didn't jump of that bridge, I didn't stick in that knife, like I imagined so many many many times. Don't I get some credit for that at least? Do really only the survivors count? What? Am I nothing then? Because I can't handle to fight at this moment. I am tired, don't you get it? I am tired and dead sick of all of this. Yes, I am agitated, yes I am pissed off with myself and with my life as it is at this moment. But I just don't have the strength to fight. I am lost, I am empty, I just have enough to make it through the day. NOT because I have 'nothing to do', not because I am not working. But because living is hard enough as it is. And htis so called life that I am supposed to 'enjoy'? Well, it just isn't enough for me. It's not fulfilling, I can't think of ANYTHING that could be fulfilling, it's just not enough. It bores me, it has bored me for SO long already. Why is that so hard to understand? That life itself simply can be not enough for someone? I need a goal, I need a reason, I need osme sort of reason to be here. I'd like to find a reason for MYSELF, but I can't think of anything at all. For others yes, but for myself? No... And for all those philosophies that life has no point, so why worry? Well, f*** off, because if life has no point then what's the point in living? I tried it all. I tried life, I tried living, I tried religion, I tried paranormal stuff, I tried so much already. Why? Because it's just not enough for me. What can satisfy so many other apparently, just doesn't do it for me. I need more. I need MAGIC. I need faeries and goblins and all that what those wonderful fantasy movies portray. Mystical stuff. Imagination. I need hidden little things, that pop out only at night. Another world inside this world. I need those colours, that magic, those creatures, that kind of world. If we can create something so colourful and full of life, then why is life itself so empty, so boring, so grey? I just need more. And they all tell me that it doesn't exist. Well, you want to know what I need to want to take part of life? I need THAT. Something that tickles my imagination, something that's so much more stimulating. Something that is everchanging and not filled with ugly grey buildings and thousands of people who just get in the way. I WANT MAGIC. And if I can't have that then I at least want something that FEELS magical. Like music. Music has that. Why else do you think I want to BE music? Because then I can actually mean something, then I am, actually alive. Or love. Love can be magical. Or at least it should be. I am sick of people telling me it's all just another thing one has to work hard for. But I want the magic of it. I want the sensuality and I don't want to have to wait years. I want it to BE THERE. Simply because it IS. These days I can only smile when I see a face in a tree, or in a church window or imagine a faery behind a rock or a in the company of my friends who also need more or at least understand the need to need more... Psychotherapy? Bah, humbug! (sorry Lissy I know it's yours) That is an EXACT thing. They are not open to anything else. There's got to be more out there though. I sincerily believe that. Because honestly, look around you; surely this can't be ALL? So yeah, I am finally peeling of the mask I've held up for you so far. It ain't a pretty sight underneath it, now is it?! Here's an older poem of mine... Not Enough Saddened by emotions so it seems unreal surreal to the motions it feels - as if the world is tumbling down it doesn't matter what you do it doesn't really make a difference it can't change the world the way you want it to it leaves no room - for more - or anymore - less Come what may - it feels strikes the pose - chooses the deal it haunts your dreams till you're flat out on the floor it's an uncertain question & you wonder what for May it come as no surprise that I can see through all those lies that the way it goes is not relevant as long as you can hold the truth inside your hand & the way it goes remains - the way it flows surely all the things go back to the sea & if only you wonder it just wasn't enough for me - Help the way - the dead can dance into the spiritual world beyond the outside glance into the insanity of the soul purity unknown untill you find the way it's supposed to be - but if you ever wonder - it just wasn't enough for me Hold me down & choose once more the way our ocean reaches for it's shore maybe one day we'll find it all & hold it beyond the call of mystery & far beyond the eye can see - but untill then - in case you should wonder - it just isn't enough for me Copyright 13-10-02 - More than 4 years ago. And it was even already way before that. And still nothing has changed. And they wonder why I am fed up... Song of the day, for hope against hoping; Pale - Within Temptation http://www.ancient-enchantments.net/songs/pale.mp3 The world seems not the same, Though I know nothing has changed. It's all my state of mind, I can't leave it all behind. I have to stand up to be stronger. I have to try to break free From the thoughts in my mind. Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, Have to make it right. Have to fight, cause I know In the end it's worthwhile, That the pain that I feel slowly fades away. It will be alright. I know, should realise Time is precious, it is worthwhile. Despite how I feel inside, Have to trust it will be all right. Have to stand up to be stronger. I have to try to break free From the thoughts in my mind. Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, Have to make it right. Have to fight, cause I know In the end it's worthwhile, That the pain that I feel slowly fades away. It will be alright. Oh, this night is too long. I have no strength to go on. No more pain, I'm floating away. Through the mist I see the face Of an angel, who calls my name. I remember you're the reason I have to stay. I have to try to break free From the thoughts in my mind. Use the time that I have, I can't say goodbye, Have to make it right. Have to fight, cause I know In the end it's worthwhile, That the pain that I feel slowly fades away. It will be alright. - Ah, if only believing was that easy... 5 Dreamed|Dream

Aaargh!!! [31 Jan 2007|08:04am] [ mood | anxious ] So, I've been to the doctor and of course his answer to everything was 'tension'. The headaches, the pain in my chest, the stings, the small skin problems, the pounding heart, the tiredness, the short breath, whatever the problem; tension. My somewhat high bloodpressure (150/91) and my fast heartbeat (107); tension. Except for this small spot on my leg that looks like a small burn, just bigger than a needle head, that has been there for months and just won't go away; that's nothing to worry about. But I still worry. For all of it. And I even forgot to tell him that my ears have been bothering me since my flight back from the UK and are probably holding fluid inside that shouldn't be there. So for all of this tension he gave me something called Oxazepam, which is an anxiety/tension relief and relaxes the muscles. Quite alot. For two nights in a row now I haven't been able to watch my two favourite series. Simply because I am suddenly fast asleep. Reminds me of the stuff when in Spain... I am not sure whether it helps. My chest still seems to feel a bit sore at times from the stings two days ago, I am still slightly short breathed, my headaches linger lightly on the surface trying to get through, but he, at least I am sleeping well. For the headaches he gave me an anti-migraine pill, as I said what it could be then; tension headache or migraine? His simple answer was; Try this anti-migraine pill. If it works, it's migraine, if it doesn't it's tension headache. Right... Ok... Fine... Except for the fact it says that you can't take that pill if you've got any type of heart problems at all or muscular problems and I am still not convinced that I don't and that it's all just tension. So I don't dare to try out that one... So where am I except for somewhat more relaxed on an artificial level? Nowhere. I am still short breathed, my heart is still pounding, I feel on edge, I feel like I can cry at a single wrong word, every little thing feels like I am in the way, that it's my fault, that I can't do anything right. I feel detached, like my head is in a constant blurr (and that's not 'cos of the Oxazepam, actually it makes it feel slightly more clear) and nothing seems to be right. My body is complaining for the fact my emotions get stuck inside and I feel like on both sides nothing's being done. Great... I met up with Meidi yesterday which was fun as per usual, with the only slight difference that it didn't do for me what it normally does, which is make me feel slightly euphoric and happy. It was nice at the moment, though it didn't reach me as it usually does and I felt clouded and anxious, so I took an Oxazepam (My second only; the first one before that had been more than 12 hours ago), which rendered me more at ease, but it didn't do a thing for me feeling slightly detached from it all. We ate pancakes and chatted as usual and walked around arm in arm, which felt nice, someone by my side, someone who was not complaining about me in any way, and then we went into the cinema, where we just sat on the couch in the hall, not intending to watch a movie at all, but just wanting to eat popcorn and sit on a comfy couch. And then she had to go again. We gave a tight hug and we both went on our way again. But normally when I see her I am bouncy with happiness for seeing her. I was still happy to see her, though I missed that bounciness. She was wearing a lovely new coat and though jealousy is not a nice thing, there it was slightly, because I can't afford a new coat, while I've been wearing mine at least 4 years now and I had to mend the lining in all sorts of places and even the outside by the sleeve. It's falling apart and I'd love a new coat but I can't afford it. It still looks ok enough from a distance, but it's not even properly black anymore and even though it still makes me feel ok to wear it, it also makes me feel a bit tattered at the same time. And a good friend of mine has a piano which I can store in my flat for free, since he has no place for it at this moment, so I can finally learn to play, but I don't live ground level, so it costs about 350 Euros to get it here and I don't have that. So my dream of having a piano, if only for a few months or a year, maybe two, is being stoned to death by the fact that yes, I can't afford it... Also the problem with the radiators has not been solved yet, I need to borrow money from my creditcard again to pay my rent, they told me to call the glass maker myself but I already did 4 times before and I am still waiting for their call to fix my storage window, somehow I was thrown out of the collective health insurance deal and now I need to solve that too, my friends in the store are asking if I can fill in for work one or two days but I don't feel up to anything at the moment, so that means disappointing them, I am feeling so depressed that I can hardly get through the days, my dishes are stacking because I can't get myself to wash them, my bedroom looks the same because of the clothing, I need to clean the house again, but I keep postponing and I am not in any mood to get dressed nicely and if I do, it just doesn't do it for me anymore. And these are just a few of the problems. Tjeesssss tension... I wonder where it could come from... Dream

Doctor [29 Jan 2007|09:27am] [ mood | depressed ] I am not a happy bunny this morning. Yesterday I woke up with fierce stings in my chest and whenever I moved or took a breath it hurt. Two days before I had a horrible headache which rendered me almost lame. So I want to go see my doctor, though I know he'll probably say; stress. I got up early this morning to call him, at 8, because the place starts to fill at 7.30 usually and expected an assistant to make me an appointment. But it got transferred to himself and he was his usual 'charming' self again. Basically what he said is "I'm late, just getting in the car, call back at 9, one always has to call between 9 and 11, I thought patients would know this after all these years, but obviously some still don't!" So I put down the phone and started crying my eyes out. He always makes me feel like a nagging person, always in the way, always there just 'complaining'. But it's not like I come there often. I don't feel taken seriously at all. I want to switch doctors. This was the final straw. I know he doesn't instantly know ho he has on the phone, but I am suffering from depression and I can't take it when people are that brutal with me. This morning he made me feel like I was annoying him by calling at that time, so I asked my mum to make an appointment for me, because I couldn't face to call him again. I don't really want to go to him now anymore, but I have no other choice. Switching doctors takes time. I know which one I want. It's a woman I went to once when my own doctor was on holiday. His place is stark and dark looking, old-fashioned, grim. Her place was nicer, light, she was friendly, she's a woman and there were kid's toys, so it made the place look alot more open and welcoming. I want her. But I don't know if she has place for me... I hope she does... Mum just called, I can go this afternoon. He apologised for being a bit moody this morning, so I'll have to see. But meanwhile I am crying again. This is so not a good morning for me. Maybe it's just hormones... I don't know... All I know is that there's apparently little I can take today... 1 Dreamed|Dream

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